Hello!

♥

11:12 PM

Linked to Clifton gf's blog from Serene's post.

i teared.

sometimes i wish that i can be as frank as Serene.

and say whatever i want wherever i am.

she's so smartly straight-forward.

and i see myself in her.

ONCE.

long time ago, when i used to say anything that i want and how i feel.

bud now....

cant ar, im a changed person.

i hate hurting ppl's feelings.

and i dunno how to phrase it in a better way so that ppl will feel better.

im such a loser luh.

and jus came back from LTC.

lots of workshops on leadership.

and much of the points given actually struck me to think hard.

whether i m qualified or not, or what i lack as an individual.

well, i feel so tiny.

i seem to have lost all the confidence and pride that i once had.

i cant even bring up the courage to say anything i wan animore.

is this how ppl feel as they grow up?

being more cautious of their surroundings and all.

and would rather keep more things to themselves than to let others know.

which is which man.

Below are my rantings abt aunt. dun bother reading.

i miss irene ma.
passed by a shopping centre dat i used to went with her.
i stoned on the bus for a while, thinking when was it.
i rmbered walkin by the roadside to the carpark with her.
ppl will never understand how i passed my days since march 30.
for ppl who dunno, my aunt died on that day.
March used to be a good month to me, cos my birthday falls in march.
bud aunt left.
she's like a second mother to me.
and her departure sent me to the darkest moments of my life.
imagine how badly i cry every night coming back from SL camp while lighting joss sticks for her.
the 5 days were hell for me.
crying was what i can only do to ease the sorrow.
mum kept telling me dat aunt would not want to see me like this.
bud i jus cant help it.
i cried till i almost fainted on the last day.
and imagine how i went through her dairy and found out how much she actually suffered alone and not letting any of us know.
and imagine how much i hated myself for neglecting her when she's in the hospital.
not setting out enough time to visit her for the 2 months.
claiming im busy is all bull shit.
if i really had the heart to visit, i would have gone no matter what.
i regret.
i regret not being there when she died.
i regret not saying i love her so much.
i regret not calling her mum for my past 19 years.
(as she always tells people that im her daughter.)
i regret not giving her the 1000 cranes that i folded for her in time to save her.
(and having to burn it to her together with her coffin.)
i regret not spending enough time with her for the last time.
and flashbacks of her are always making me emo.
so many things i have done with her.
and so little i can remember.
she asked me never to give up on dance.
bud i did.
bud i know i'll return one day, stepping into the dance floor.
to fulfill and to help pursue her dream and passion.
for dance is her life.
i started dancing because of her.
remembering her pulling me into the dance floor to dance with her.
she's the one who lightened up my life, making me most of who i am.
i'll remember you irene ma, i go into ur room once in a while, and i see grandma walkin in too.
she misses u alot. and she has slimmed down so much.
pls bless her. and make her stronger.
for selfish me would not want to lose anyone else for now.
been to too much wakes.
i hate it.
i hate to see people leaving me.

Jo-an says