Hello!

♥

1:52 AM

this is gonna be an emo post yo.

so dun read if u are nt interested k.

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i miss aunt.

its the seventh month. and i dun feel her presence at all. But her images are flashin in my mind every now and then. Watchin money nt enough 2, funeral scenes made me cry. nt bcos the old granny died, but bcos im reminded of aunt's funeral. Coming back only at 11pm everynight after SL camp jus to say "hi aunt, im back to see you." and cry as i light the joss stick, and walk to her side, take a look, and walk away. Im tearing right now. i really miss her. When i smell Kate Moss in Kah Yuen and Yuting, Im reminded of her too. Becos throughout the 5 days of funeral, i was carrying dis smell.

Why mus it be so unfair? She is so impt to everyone in the family. Is it true that good people die young? den i mus be a very bad person. I hope im e next to leave. So that at least during my funeral, i still have frens comin to visit. and nt when im old and all my frens and family have left, den there will be no one at my wake. Pls let me be the next to leave. I cant take another one.

Im reminded of her everywhere i go and do. Memories of her jus flashes back. Whenever im watchin korean dramas, or watchin/ listenin to anything related to dance, i tink of her. That could be partly the reason why im avoiding to dance now. I think of her whenever i dance. I hate to be reminded. I will jus tear non stop. I dun wan to feel this way. I want to be happy. She used to fetch me to school for my exams, even during Os and in TP. She would wake up early jus to send me to sch, wishin me good luck for my paper and all. She was so encouraging and always dere for me. But when she needed us, we were nt dere. i have nt accepted her death yet. even when its alr 6 mths, i still cant.

Have been asking myself. If i were to get crashed and fall into a coma now, i may be able to meet aunt. she could be livin alone in another world, peacefully. Listening to all her favourite country songs and music, dancing happily. She will have no worries or illness at all. I would be hesitating to stay with her, and not come back to earth. Leave my cold body behind. Losing all my will to fight for survival.

But i know aunt would want me to come back. Becos i have a choice to stay or leave. She did not. She was still fighting at her last breath. No one was with her. We were all too late. She had been lonely all her life. Even till death, no one stood by her, askin her to leave peacefully. Her eyes wide open, her fingers clenched. She hated herself for nt going for treatment earlier. She regretted nt saving herself earlier.

I never had a chance to tell her how much i love her and how much i wan to share her burden. I really hate myself for being so strong and not giving enough. Why am i always regretting? Im afraid to see grandma now. Bcos she may be leavin soon too. I really hate it. Im avoiding everythin. Im tryin to tell myself that i should live my life for myself. but i cant do it. I know i should treasure whatever time she have with her. But i am nt makin the effort. Knowing that she is crying everytime she's eating alone, i refuse to accompany her bcos seeing her so sad, makes me sad too.

Im being selfish. I deserve to be shot. Im tryin. I really am. I need to think. I need to talk to aunt. I want to know what i should do now. What can i do to reduce the pain that im sufferin. I need to know what leads ahead. I need guidance. I need a hand, to hold me through this difficult period. Even if its jus a simple hug, a pat on the back, or jus a smile, i may feel better.

Come into my dreams will you? tell me what i should do.

Jo-an says